Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
