So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
