She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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