Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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