Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
