How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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