3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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