GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
