If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
