haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
