i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
