i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
