I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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