At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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