A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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