i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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