Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
