Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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