I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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