That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
