I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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