you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
