I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
