why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
