I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Found your dick twin last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
