you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
