Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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