I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
