I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
4 words: hood of his car
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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