My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
