i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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