you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
