What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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