thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
