True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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