My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
