I understand Curling. That high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
