I faked an abortion last night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
