at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
