Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
