3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
