Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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