what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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