my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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