I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
