She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
