Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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