He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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