I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
