No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
