Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
this beer tastes like vomit already
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
